This Indian Chief and a Cavalry Captain climb to the top of a tall hill and
look out upon the entire Indian Tribe.
The Cavalry captain says, "I don't like the sound of those drums."
The chief says, "It's not our regular drummer." (Ba Dum Pump)
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So this drummer walks into a pawn shop wanting to learn a couple new
instruments. After talking to the pawn broker he decides that he'll
"take that accordian and that red trumpet over there in the corner".
The pawn broker dryly replies that he would love to sell him an
accordian and a trumpet, but the radiator and fire extinguisher are not
for sale.
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The guy with the whip on a ancient ship with 100 slaves pulling oars and
with a drummer who pounds out the tempo of the rowing steps up at the
beginning of the day and announces: "Attention! I have good news and bad
news! And it ain't Geiko! The good news is the drummer is sick today!"
Slaves: "Yea!"
Slave Master; "The bad news is Dave Weckl is filling in!"
Slaves: "Groan!!!!"
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Billy: Mommy! I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
Mommy: Now, Billy. You know you can't do both. (HA!)
At the weekly rehearsal the drummer comes up to the bassplayer and says "man
you wouldn't believe the day I had yesterday. I locked the keys in my car"
"Oh really" replies the bassplayer.
"Yeah" says the drummer "it took me three bloody hours to get the guitar
player out"
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks. (chuckle)
How do you get a drummer off of your porch?
Pay him 5 bucks for the pizza. (Oh come now!)
How do you tell when the drum riser is level?
The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth. (nice visual)
What is the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of 4.
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Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night. In
the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued
until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured
them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad."
Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated,
"Drums good. When drums stop, VERY bad."
This continues for several days until one morning the drumming suddenly
stops and all the natives panic and run screaming. The man asks the guide
what's the matter? The guide looking very frightened says:
"When drums stop, VERY, VERY bad," he said.
"Why is it bad?" asked a member of the safari
Because when drums stop, bass solo begin!" Oh NOOOO!!! (How do ya like that)
What's the difference between a drummer and a percussionist.
"Oh, about three hundred dollars a week," (hmmmmmmm.)
Name three things you will find in an Ohio Garage?
A Migit, a Cokehead and a washed up Nashville Drummer. (is it true?)
Why are these drummer jokes so simple?
So bass players will understand them! (ahem)
How about the drummer who kept getting fired for having bad time.
He became so depressed that he went to the railroad tracks and threw
himself behind a train. (now THAT's funny)
How can you tell if there's a drummer at the door?
The knocking speeds up. (yawn.)
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? - 100
1 to screw in the light bulb and 99 to say how much better Neil Peart could
have done it. (I should have cut this one)
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless and without a car.
(actually, from personal experience...it's the lead singer-not the drummer)
What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise..." (almost funny)
How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it. (well...ok)
What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
Would you like fries with that?
what do strippers do to their a$$holes before they go to work?
They drop them off at band practice. (sick)
How can you tell which girl is with the drummer?
She is the one with the bruised belly button. (I don't think I get it)
What do you call a drummer with a credit card?
Married
whats the difference between a drummer and a mutual fund?
Eventually a mutual fund will mature and make money. (I"m offended)
A drummer that keeps good time, a drummer that keeps bad time, and the
Easter bunny are walking down the street. There is a hundred dollar bill
on the sidewalk who picks it up?
The drummer with bad time - the other two don't exsist. (says you!)
Did you hear about the drummer that lost one of his drum sticks?
He fell on his knees, threw his hands up into the air and with tears
streaming down his face, shouted; "Thank God, I am a conductor!" (shrug)
What's the difference between a taxi & a drummer?
A taxi only has to carry 3 or 4 people at a time! (hah)
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None.....They have drum machines to do that now. (har-de-har-har)
What's the differnece between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.
What does a cup of coffee and Ginger Baker have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
What's the difference between Ginger Baker and a podiatrist?
The podiatrist bucks up the feet! (hummina hummina)
How does a Nashville drummer count 7/4 time?
One, two, three, four, five, six, se, ven. (that's dang funny)
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The drummer decided he had suffered enough derision. He was going to buy a
guitar and play some real music. He strode confidently through the door and
up to the clerk behind the counter.
"I want to buy me one of them Les Paul Stratoblasters, some of them foot
pedal thangs, and some really big Marshallmellow stacks."
"The clerk said politely, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
Taken aback, our hero replied, "Yes. How did you know?"
"Because this is a travel agency." (would prob sell em nowdays)
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What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a drummer?
A tattoo! (not so) (is it?)
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
The drum machine plays in time and doesn't care about how many mics it has.
Plus you only have to punch the information in once. (nothing)
Hey, guys! I just got a new drum machine! It's so realistic.....
It shows up 20 minutes late! (bigger LoL)
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What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?" (ahem)
Our drummer is a joke. It's hardly funny, though.
Take my drummer, please! (would Henny be mad?)
Why are most of these drummer jokes one-liners?
So bass players can understand them.
(Hyuck Hyuck Hyuck!)
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The top 10 reasons why it's rough to be a drummer.
10. Packing up drums while the hotties leave with other guys.
(i've seen this one many times!)
9. The load-in. (get a rodie)
(and PAY one? Oh come now!)
8. The load-out.
(As above.)
7. Drummer jokes.
(Some great ones, some rubbish ones. So what, we need to laugh at ourselves)
6. "Wipeout" requests.
(I can relate. JUST SAY "NO"!)
5. Having to stand up during breaks.
(Hmmmm....I kinda like to stretch my legs at a break.)
4. Sweat.
(Everybody sweats. Just not as much as me)
3. Everyone thinks they're a drummer, everyone wants to play your drums)
(Everyone IS a drummer. See #6)
2. The constant drone of drum beats in my mind, which must be transferred
into tapping with my hands and feet, on any object, at any time.
(That's half the fun. especially at meetings.)
1. Whadjya say? Quit mumbling, and speak up so I can hear ya.
(what song are we playing!)
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Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
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A bassplayer and a guitarist were seated next to a drummer
on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began
discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the bassplayer
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes
and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the guitarist
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful
omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the drummer remained silent, the guitarist smugly
asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife
last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the bassplayer arrogantly snorted. "And what
did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
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What's the difference between a high school drumline and shoes in a dryer?
...Nothing
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
What do you do if you accidentally run over a drummer?
Back up.
What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Overqualified.
What do you call a Drummer in a Volkswagen?
Farfromthinken.
What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality. (ref. jimmybarney.com)
Heard at the night club...
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
Mildly retarded.
What do you call 10 guys in a drum circle?
A drug ring.
What has three legs and an asshole?
A drum stool.
What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.
I once asked a drummer how to spell "Mississippi".
He said, "the river or the state?"
How do guitar players get away with parking in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.
Did you hear about the drummer who got accepted to Harvard?
Neither did I.
What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
The poster child for Birth Control.
How can you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?
Take the Pizza sign off of it.
What's the biggest lie told to a drummer?
Hang on a minute, and I'll help you with your gear.
What did the drummer say to the band leader?
Do you want me to play too fast, or too slow?
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St. Peter was checking ID's at the pearly gates. He asks the first man,
"What did you do on Earth?" The man replied, "I was a doctor." St. Peter
says, "OK, go right through those two shiny gates to your left.
"Next person! What did you do on Earth?" , "I was a school teacher."
"OK, ..through those two gates and to the left
."Next! ..And what did you do on Earth?" . "Oh, I was a musician."
"All right, go around to the back door, up the freight elevator,
through the kitchen, past the dishwasher..."
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An amateur drummer died and went to heaven. He was waiting outside the
pearly gates when he heard the most incredible fast and furious drumming
coming from within. Immediately he recognized the playing and rushed to
ask St. Peter if that was Buddy Rich playing drums inside the gates.
St. Peter responded: "No, that's God. He just thinks he's Buddy Rich."
A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will
have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery.
When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a
mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain instead.
You're now a drummer".
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Here's some more. Doumbek Drum Jokes.
Why was the doumbek player buried 20 feet deep?
Because deep down he was a nice guy.
Which is larger...a doumbek or conga drum? They're both the same size;
dumbeks just look smaller because a doumbek player's head is bigger.
What's the difference between a doumbek and a jack-hammer?
A jack-hammer only repeats itself 10 times a second.
You are in a room with Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden and a doumbek
player, and your gun has only 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the doumbek player twice just to make sure.
What's black and brown and looks good on a doumbek player?
A Doberman
When should a doumbek player tune his doumbek?
Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a doumbek player's arm?
A tattoo.
What's the similarity between a doumbek player and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What is the difference between a doumbek and dripping faucet?
The faucet has a sense of rhythm.
What is perfect pitch?
Tossing a doumbek into a trash can without hitting the sides.
What do you get if you drop a doumbek off the Leaning Tower of Pisa?
Applause.
What is the difference between an onion and a doumbek?
Nobody cries if you chop up a doumbek.
What has eight legs and flies?
Four doumbek players. (Lord of the flies)
What is the ultimate sincere compliment you can pay a doumbek player?
"Nice tooth."
You are holding a morningstar and you see before you a set of bagpipes
and a doumbek. Which do you crush first?
The bagpipes; business before pleasure.
What do you call 500 doumbeks at the bottom of the Mediterranean Ocean?
A good start.
What is the difference between a doumbek and a lawnmower engine?
The lawnmower can be tuned.
What has 24 legs and three teeth?
The front row at a doumbek workshop.
What do you call a hundred doumbeks up to their rims in sand?
Not enough sand.
What is the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead
doumbek player? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is the difference between a doumbek and a chainsaw?
The chainsaw has dynamics.
Why is the doumbek more popular than the bowed psaltery?
There's more room for drugs.
You are lost in the woods and you see a musical doumbek player,
a doumbek player with no sense of rhythm, Santa Claus and the
Easter Bunny. Who do you ask for directions?
The dysrhythmic doumbek player...the others are hallucinations.
What do you call a doumbek player with half a brain?
Gifted.
Why is a dead armadillo in the road more tragic than a dead
doumbek player? The armadillo was on its way to a gig.
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“Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart
Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.”
- Mary Ellen Kelly
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always speeds up and when you open the door they don't know to come in.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. “Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?”
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne
(but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
5. None. They have a machine to do that.
6. Just one, so long as the roadie gets the ladder,
sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
A Conguero is seeing a married woman when her husband's away. They're at it,
when there's a knock at the apartment door! (Here you knock, five EVENLY spaced knocks)
Woman whispers "Quick-hide-Papi, it my husband!" (Five more evenly spaced knocks, louder)
The Conguero shouts, "Clave, man, CLAVE!"
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How do you make a drummer a millionaire?
Give him a billion dollars.
What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bodhran player.
What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
What do bodhran players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.
“Don't count-- feel. When the math comes in, the joy goes out.”
- John Diamond, on drumming.
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Have you got a good (or bad) drummer joke?
Email me, or post it below in the guestbook.
Read drummer jokes guestbook
Or add drummer jokes here
All of these jokes were donated by various people.
A few are mine, but I'm not tellin' which!
If you wrote one and would like it removed, just ask.
I apologize in advance if anyone might be offended by any of these.
I do think it's important that we take our craft seriously,
but also that we be able to laugh at ourselves.
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![[IMAGE: drum circle beach photo]](drum circle beach.jpg)